There has been many a night when I have stayed up way past any sane hour contemplating why zombies have this natural need to eat human flesh, especially the brain. (I have a zombie blog, is it really that strange?)

So lets go hypothetical here, you are newly dead and suddenly find yourself up and about in the real world as a decaying corpse with little or now will or self awareness. You shamble, lets go classic here people, about looking like a cross between a Smurf after a bender and road kill.

You spy with your nasty glazed over eyes a few college students drinking and having sex on a nearby gravestone. Let’s face it, that’s what all college students do in horror films and are usually skewered soon after.

What do you do? Do you hunker behind a gravestone and watch them go at it like a peeping zombie? Maybe get your zombie wank on? (Like, I was the only one that thought of it.)

 Does your fight or flight instinct kick in and you run away terrified? Do you attack the nubile and flexible teens with your slow undead body?

All of these seem like logical possibilities. But why would a zombie look at these people and say “Wow, that blond would look great with a little ranch dressing and some baby carrots.”

You can bring out the argument that zombies are little more than animals living on instinct and procreation and eating are two of the most basic instincts. True, but eating only an instinct if you’re hungry. Very few animals in the wild will kill its prey if it’s not hungry or storing food for winter. Lions in Africa don’t have a fridge to keep their rotting gazelles and their 40’s of Colt 45. There is a balance in nature.

Zombies on the other hand will eat and eat and eat even though they have no functioning intestinal or stomach system. They will eat to the point that their stomachs literally explode, as told in World War Z. I don’t think a zombie is going to pass up on munching down on a person just because he ate an hour before. “No, go ahead I am not going to eat you. I just had a trucker about an hour ago and I am stuffed. Can you come back around 5:30, I am sure I will be hungry again?”

I think the zombie’s drive to feed on human flesh is driven not by the instinctual need to eat, but the need to procreate. Zombies cannot procreate in the normal way, something I am more than a little grateful for. That’s one aspect that’s even too disturbing for me and something that should never be touched with a 10-foot pole.

The more plausible reasoning is that feeding on human flesh is more likely connected to propagating the species. In every zombie movie made, zombies procreate by biting another person. It’s what makes them a threat. It’s similar to the way a virus will use a host. If you have a cold and sneeze in someone’s face, the virus can pass to them.

Zombies, and I hate the idea of a zombie virus because it is so cliché, transmit their virus, infection, magical fairy dust, etc. via their bite like some kind of zombie orgasm. So if it isn’t bad enough that zombies are the red headed stepchildren of the horror world, they are also simply vessels for procreation.

It almost makes you feel bad for them … until they try to eat you then all bets are off.

This is one of the few zombie movies out there that has more saline implants than dead bodies  … and there are a lot of dead bodies. When I have driven past those exotic dancing establishments, because I never went in (wink wink), and saw the signs LIVE NUDE GIRLS I always thought “Duh, would you have dead nude girls.”

Well, in Zombie Strippers that’s exactly what you get. Hot women that happen to be dead dancing around a hopefully heavily disinfected pole.

Let’s start with the plot, and I use that word loosely. An elite group of commandos are brought into a top secret research base to take care of a zombie problem. The U.S. government had created a virus that was meant to create a super soldier and reanimate dead flesh. The kicker is the virus only makes women into the ultimate solider or ultimate whatever profession they are in (Can you see where this little plot device is heading?) and makes the men into mindless flesh eating zombies – not unlike most men in strip clubs.

This elite commando force, made up of incredibly bad actors, go through this base shooting anything that moves and unleashing horrible one-liners until all the zombies are dead. In the turmoil, one the solider, the nerdy newbie, gets bit and runs away to (can you guess where) a strip club. Excuse me, exotic dancing establishment.

He shambles in just as the star performer is finishing up and he bites her. The owner, played by none other than God’s gift to the horror genre, Robert Englund, doesn’t want to deal with the lawsuit ,so he locks the soldier in the basement and Jenna dies only to come back as a super stripper.

There is something incredibly creepy, sexy and just plain wrong about watching zombie women dancing on a pole. Sure, there is plenty of boobies-a-jiggling, but they are undead boobies-a-jiggling. Ick!!!!

It’s obvious you are not going to watch this movie because of its Oscar caliber acting or Jurassic Park like special effects. You are going to watch this movie for undead boobies-a-jiggling, and you will not be disappointed.

Just make sure that after you get done with your tissues - from crying because of the intense plot –  you disinfect your hands and feel bad about yourself for at least 15 minutes before putting in Zombies, Zombies, Zombies.

 

Alright, how many of you out there watched Return of the Living Dead 3 and got at least a partial chubby from the hot zombie chick? You know the one with the embedded glass shards that ate people.

You can’t tell me there weren’t more than a few wank sessions after horny 15-year-olds watched Zombie Strippers with the undead Jenna Jameson.

Zombies are supposed to be these ugly creatures with dripping flesh and in need of a desperate trip to the beauty shop, but there has been an ever increasing push to make zombies overtly sexy.

Lets face it, sex has always been an important part of the B-movie experience. Jason and Freddy never seemed to kill the girl until she had fallen down and her top mysteriously fell open, but for the most part, other than vampires, sexuality has been reserved for the victims or heroine. The creatures themselves have been left to their own less than sexy accords.

This got me thinking about the role of sexuality in zombie films. Can something be scary and grotesque and yet sexy at the same time. Glass shard zombie girl and strippers aside, can a true horror film have a sexy monster.

No one wants to see a George Romero movie filled with GQ and Victoria Secret models shambling about eating unsuspecting passersby. OK, yes I would, but that’s just because I am a freak. It wouldn’t be much of a movie because all of the model zombies would eat a pinkie and then have to throw it up out of the fear of getting fat.

I have only seen one zombie feature where sexuality was used in a way that was not campy and was very disturbing. Masters of Horror segment Dance of the Dead with everyone’s favorite egomaniac Robert Englund as a night club owner that specialized in reanimated dancers.

The premise was there is this substance that reanimated corpses into mindless animals. The didn’t attack or eat people, but they would respond to painful stimuli by thrashing about. Englund too dead girls and reanimated them, making them “dance” for his customers by administering electric shock.

This was  a seriously disturbing concept because there was an element of sexuality to it, but also pity and revulsion at the same time. It hammered the point that this was an immoral world where even the dead weren’t safe from abuse.

It’s one thing to make a zombie sexy for a humorous or campy movie, but to extend it into the realm of true horror requires a depth of depravity that only a few truly excellent story tellers can reach.

There has been much debate recently as to the proper mobility to zombies, excuse me, the undead. Ok, so

Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerdead man

maybe not so much debate as a bunch of guys who haven’t gotten laid in a year sitting around talking as they wait for the release of Zombie Strippers.

Zombies have primarily been seen as slow moving and lethargic more lethal as a mob than individually. Romero set the bar for this in his original movies and from one side of the spectrum that makes sense. The undead are reanimated corpses, especially the first ones who have to dig themselves out of the grave.

They have limited brain activity and seem to be motivated purely by instinct. Their muscles would be atrophied and rotted from their time being truly dead. Also, they continue to degrade so eventually they would rot down to nothing but bones. Without muscles, the bones don’t move and that would be a horrifying existance.

Modern remakes of Romero’s movies, excluding Land of the Dead, have the zombies not only being incredibly fast, but close to acrobatic. I have seen them run on all fours, climb on the walls and even a newborn zombie booked it like Oprah to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Once again, I can see how this would have merit as well at least for the newly dead zombies. While the brain power would still be diminished, possibly even similar to a long dead zombie and be totally instinctual, they would still have strong and healthy muscles only beginning to decay. They could be fast and strong because they would no longer have the pain holding them back. They would be free to stretch their muscles to the limit and beyond all for the sake of killing, maiming, etc.

As for the acrobatics, if you take away the pain response and override their regular sensibilities with the instinctual need to hunt and feed then it could make sense. They would have the strength to leap long distances and their hunting mentality would make them like any predator.

So I guess in a way, they are both right. The newly dead, post rigamortis, should be fast moving until their decay gets to the point they become the shambling corpse and then finally a nasty pile of flesh and bone on the ground when their muscles give out entirely. Also, keep in mind I am not a doctor so I could be totally wrong about it, but who cares its my blog anyway.

For me, the shambling corpse will always be the appropriate zombie in movies because of what zombies have come to represent. They are the lazy oblivious culture that is so prevalent in the world. They are easily swayed one way or the other, not caring about the world around them or even themselves. They eat, sleep, work, sleep, eat, etc.

They are the sheep that while individually are not a threat and somewhat humorous, in mass they can change the direction of the political and societal landscape through pure apathy and herding. Romero hit the nail on the head in Dawn of the Dead as the zombies all filed to the one place they were familiar with, the mall.

"What did you just call me, boy?"

In a world where political correctness is more prevalant than political honestly, I can’t help but think what the undead would want to be called. Zombie seems very derogatory like the equivalent of the n-word.

It’s something people would call them in anger right before blowing their head off i.e ”take that you dirty zombie scum” or “get your damn zombie hands off her” or even better “don’t let go zombie Jack.” Alright, that last one is just because I hated Leonardo Dicraprio. How many people were glad his ass stayed dead after sinking in Titanic, but I digress.

Would they undead take offense to that? What would happen if they were  eating on your brother and you said “You zombie bastards.” Would they stop with entrails hanging from their lips to give you a dejected look like “What did I ever do to you” or “Do we really have to resort to name calling, I don’t go around calling you snack do I?” I know zombie is used heavily throughout my site, but it is used in the most respectful way and if I offend any of the undead reading my blog feel free to e-mail me.

Then there is the living dead and the undead. They seem like pretty neutral terms although not every zombie will be happy with them. Purists won’t want to have any connection to the living and will feel slighted by the term living dead. “Listen, I may be shamling corpse hellbent on devouring human flesh, but I am not living. You insensitive prick.” I am sure the purists would be an elitest bunch that only feed on the upper crust of society .

Undead is my favorite and you will see me use it throughout the site as well. While I am sure you can have a lively debate with the undead on the precise definition of death and how it pertains to reanimated corpses, I don’t think they can find any fault with the terminology. Especially, if it is right before they eat you, but then I guess you can call them anything you want. I am simply talking during civilized conversation.

There are certain things that are staples in zombie films and you can not or should not change. Zombies eat people, people run away from zombies and there should never ever be a zombie hamster.

One aspect of the zombies that can and should change is how they come about. Divine intervention, chemical spill, spellcasting, etc., the reasons why a zombie starts chomping on your neighbor are numerous. Alas, many writer have fallen into the trap of the zombie virus. I admit its easy to tailor a virus to do whatever you want. Whether is simply reaminates the dead flesh or makes the brain control everything, the zombie virus has become the preferred choice for horror writers and filmmakers.

My problem is not so much with the virus. During its initial use, it was not only the best option, but plausible as well. Scientists are constantly finding new side effects, etc. to drugs placed on the market. A recent drug used to cure restless leg syndrome was has possible side effects of intense gambling and sexual urges. Sign me up for that one.

I am tired of hearing about the zombie plague, its overdone. Why can’t writers change it up a bit. Better yet, why list what created them at all. The zombie virus obvioulsy never has a cure, neither does the chemical spill or even spell casting half the time. Why not just leave it up to the imagination of the person watching the movie.

I personally always liked the movies that didn’t list whay raised the dead. You aren’t so hung up on it and don’t have to write in anything to the script or draft. You have more time to focus on the real meat of the story, whatever that may be.

In Diary of the Dead, Romero does a great job of characterization and delving into the thoughts and fears of those survivors after the rise of the undead. He never mentions what brings them up. it doesn’t matter because they are already there.

Leave it up to the viewer so they can use their imagination to hopefully come up with a better answer than the dreaded zombie virus.

While technically not a zombie movie, genetically altered sheep bred to be killing machines and have the ability to turn anyone they bite into killer man-sheep is definately worth a mention.

Leave it to those damn New Zealanders to come up with the idea for killer sheep. There is nothing funnier than watching people cower in fear from live sheep. Especially, when they often just stand there oblivious to the fact that they are the focal point for a horror movie.

Oliver Oldfield started out life as a nice New Zealander chasing sheep on a four-wheeler with his father. Oliver’s older brother Angus is a bit of weirdo who likes skinning the sheep and then scarying his littler bother by wearing the skin. ICK!  Their father ends up dead after falling off a cliff, chasing after a wayward sheep and Oliver grows up with a severe fear of sheep.

He returns to the farm after 15 years or so to sell his share of the farm to his brother and stumbles upon the killer sheep.

They did a good job making the robotic sheep look menacing as they rip the intestines from their victimes. While the sheep definately steal the show, the man-sheep are the surprise hits of the movie.

A person bitten by the killer sheep will turn into a killer sheep or rather the 8-foot tall bipedal equivalent. What makes this movie special, is the characters ability to actually convey fear as they run around these poor confused sheep who are just looking for that lonely farmboy.

For everyone asking that question, yes one character did make sweet love to a sheep, but luckily it was tastefully done. It was a beautiful beautiful moment. Alright, it was actually quite disturbing. Good luck, looking at a wool sweater the same again. And you will never count these bastards again.

There are few films out there that are truly unique and set themselves apart from the random drivel that spews from most B-movies. Dead and Breakfast has been called the American equivalent of Shawn of the Dead, but in my opinion thats like saying a Cadillac is the American equivalent of a Yugo.

A group of friends are driving to their friends wedding when they get lost and stay at this small bed and breakfast in a town called Lovelock. Everything seems pretty kosher until Johnny gets locked out of the house decides to crawl through a window and ends up breaking the Ku Man Thong. Sorry folks, that’s not the newest underwear from Japan, but a pissed off spirit hellbent on creating undead minions – and I hardly ever used the word minion lightly. He starts killing the townfolk and putting little bits of them into the Thong box, which allows him to take control.

I have to say the highlight of the movie isn’t actors such as David Carradine, Portia Di Rossi, Diedrich Bader, Jeremy Sisto and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but the live hip-hop country soundtrack by the group Zachariah. The group is actually featured in the film, including as an undead band, and provide musical accompaniment and narration. At one point, the zombies all re-create the dance from Thriller while Zachariah does a country rap.

There are plenty of site gags to wet your morose comedic appetite including the use of Jeremy Sisto’s head as a puppet. Ever Carradine channels her inner Mcguyver to create shotguns out of piping and clamps and takes on a horde of zombies using common household objects.

The only drawback to this movie is Zachariah’s songs are so addictive you’ll find yourself humming or singing them for several days.

This movie had a lot going against it from the beginning. The title is reminiscent of the Night of the Living Dead with a plot like Undead Snakes on a Plane put me off at once. I was expecting the sterotypical hardass black guy yelling, “I hate these mother $%#!ing zombies on this mother $#@!ing plane.”

As much as I hate being wrong, I have to admit this movie was actually mildly entertaining and kept my attention. You would think a plane full of zombies would be like a a bunch of fat people at a smorgasboard, but the writers were able to draw out the action by barricading survivors behind luggage and delving into the bowels of the plane. Unoriginal I know, but what do you expect from “Flight of the Living Dead.”

The first thing this movie had going for it was star power. Alright, maybe star power is too strong of a word. It’s more like, “Didn’t we see that guy in that one movie” power. In a disappointinly short part, was Dale Midkiff. You might know him as the father in the original “Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery,” but those on the nerdlist will know him as Darian Lambert the time traveling cop tracking down Mordecai Sahmbi with the help of his hot librarian looking credit card hologram.

Comic relief is provided by Kevin J. O’Connor. Yes, you have heard of him. Anyone who has seen “The Mummy” will recognize him as Benny the cowardly guy who buddies up to the Mummy or if you want to trace back his horror roots as Phillip Swann in “Clive Barker’s Lord of Illusion. You women out there will know him as Daryl Hannah’s husband in “Steel Magnolias.” A movie that I will refuse to admit publicly to ever seeing. There are at least three more people of relative fame in the movie, but I’ll let you figure them out yourself.

The plot, believe it or not, is pretty simple. A plane with a police officer, sky marshall, golf pro, nun, your standard horny obnoxious teens and scientists is taken by storm when during turbulance a cyrogenically frozen corpse with, what else, a virus is reanimated and goes on a feeding frenzy.

The movie should never have actually started because the corpse was being guarded by a large man armed with a machine gun and biohazard suit. Yet somehow, she bests him and one-by-one the zombie ranks begin to grow. The scariest part is the zombies were all booked coach and were adament about getting bumped up to business class. Selfish bastards, damn them.

Needless to day, most everyone gets eaten and turned into a zombie. The U.S. government decides to stop an undead outbreak by blowing up the plane. I guess they didn’t think spreading hundreds of undead zombie parts over a several mile radius would be damaging to the environment.

The movie itself was pretty good and thankfully did not take itself too seriously. It’s definately worth the rent and who knew Samsonite luggage could hold back hoards of zombies. Good to know.

George Romero will always be the father of the modern day zombie and his most recent foray into zombieland harkens back to the good old days.

Diary of the Dead brings Romero back to old fashioned film making. Gone are the seemingly acrotbatic zombies of the Dawn of the Dead remake and the plain high budgeted crap that was Land of the Dead. Instead, we follow an intrepid group of amateur film makers as they document the infancy of the zombie uprising.

There are no John Lequizamos (I am totally misspelling that by the way) and Dennis Hoppers running around. We have a group of unknown actors practically peeing their pants and serving themselves up as the soup of the day to the mindless lumbering killing machines that we affectionately call zombies.

We watch as they go from normal life to denial and disbelief and finally to acceptance. We see how their relationships change and how one man’s obsession to document the truth soon controls his life and those around him.

For the first time in Romero’s continuing mythos of zombiedome, we come face-to-face with the loss of loved ones how it effects real people. In Romero’s other movies – Night, Dawn, Day and Land – the focus is about survival and the overall theme of the picture. The characters are never three-dimensional and we don’t get to know their feelings and motivations.

In Diary of the Dead, we finally develop connections with the characters as they fight, flee and do whatever they need to do to survive.

That being said, Diary of the Dead is still a zombie movie and as such has much brain munching. The effects are of high enough quality to make it look good, but not all CGIed into oblivion. It is my opinion, and I am sure I will get a lot of flack from the purists out there, this movie is the best of all of Romero’s in connection to the zombie plague. I have seen the originals and remakes of Night, Dawn and Day and have to put this at the top.

Romero must like this one as well since it is the only of his movies to have a direct sequal. I can only hope it can live up tht level of excellence of its older and more experienced brother.